Five ways to turn up your charm level
Olivia Fox Cabane's The Charisma Myth discusses the idea of charisma, a personal quality that gives influence or authority over people. She proceeds to mention how to develop it and the possibilities it provides. Cultivating charisma involves both mental and physical means. External factors may not always solve internal problems, such as wearing fancy clothes to mask a person's insecurities, but Cabane makes the case to leverage every resource - whether posture, clothing, mannerisms, or anything else - to increase charisma level. She emphasizes shaping proper thoughts using mental exercises throughout the book, all of which are enjoyable and beneficial in their own way. A particularly useful one involves not only writing a letter to someone you're upset with, but also drafting an imaginary response from that person. Writing the second letter generates a surprising level of creativity and closure. Fox Cabane ends the book with a word of caution, reminding us how people can use charisma for selfless and selfish purposes, like any other resource.
Takeaways:
Being okay with people who dislike you is your choice. After becoming more secure with yourself through the book's mental exercises, you can consider a new possibility: people's discomfort with you may not be your fault. If you've done everything you can to be the best version of yourself, you can be learn to be content when others dislike you. You are not responsible for their choices, and their opinions don't define you. To quote Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." Employees may get upset with me for writing them up, but any resentment they have doesn't mean I am a bad boss.
Negative doesn't always mean accurate. People's tendency to anticipate the worst-case scenario is meant to be protective, but the habit distorts accuracy by ignoring the positive in a situation. Recognizing this "negativity bias" doesn't mean eliminating it altogether. Instead, you can ask yourself why you tell yourself a particular story about a situation. Have you ever gotten upset when someone doesn't promptly return your call? How do you feel after you find out that he was in the middle of a family emergency? The challenge for you is to embrace the idea of "productive delusion" in order to avoid wasting time on a justifiable, but unverified, explanation. Maybe the person you were hoping to date happened to be busy when your call went to voicemail. That's all you need to believe.
Address distractions quickly, but preferably eliminate them altogether. When meeting with others, you should identify any environmental factors which may rattle your concentration (loud fans, bad lighting, noisy clothing). When possible, scope out your meeting location beforehand so you won't be surprised by anything. Let's say I'm in a restaurant on a date, but I pick up on the fragrance of durian fruit (very smelly, for those not accustomed to it) as I'm talking. Playing it off as if the pungent scent weren't there eventually would distract me from enjoying my evening. Instead, I should identify it, joke about it, then change the setting.
Slow down. A full calendar may feel productive, but busyness doesn't correspond with productivity. Awareness of self and surroundings allows you to be fully present, an essential quality for leaders. Let's say you wake up feeling anxious thinking of all the tasks you have to finish in a particular day. By taking time to breathe, meditate, and journal, you can obtain a clearer perspective and plan your day to minimize your stress.
Receive compliments well. Self-deprecation might be appropriate when used wisely, but it can also devalue the efforts of the person giving the complement. If you take time to process, react, and thank others for their affirmations, they will be all the happier themselves. Originally, I was trying to stay humble by downplaying complements on my music or dancing skills. Now I pause, smile, and say "Thank you."
A lack of mental strength sabotages people's potential and talents. Should you happen to know others who fit this pattern, see what happens after they experiment with the concepts in this book. As John Maxwell says, if you're not comfortable with who you are, don't expect anyone else to be.
