Five steps to clearer communication
The Four Conversations is a valuable resource for people looking to improve how they communicate. While this book focuses on organizational settings, the skills involved can also help your personal lives. You can easily craft your own variations of constructive dialogue from their illustrations.
Here are the four types of conversations to keep an organization healthy.
Initiative: to introduce a new concept, vision, or idea
Understanding: to sort out interpretations and misconceptions, and allow people to give input
Performance: to set deadlines for essential tasks and criteria for their success
Closure: to evaluate expectations and repair damaged relationships
The authors, Jeff and Laurie Ford, discuss best practices and common pitfalls for each type of conversation as they walk readers through examples.
Key principles:
When you're about to talk with someone, evaluate which type of conversation you need to have. While small talk has its role in building relationships, your significant conversations need a clear outcome. Ask yourself what you want to address, and also how to convey your intentions. If you don't aim for a destination, your discussion is unlikely to go anywhere.
Be detailed with specific steps. I once led a meeting where people discussed tasks and deadlines without recording them. Using what I learned in this book, I instructed anyone who mentioned an assignment to fill out a notecard describing the job, criteria for its success, the due date, who needed to be involved, and why it was important. Once the group completed filling out cards, I collected them, sorted them chronologically by deadline, then transcribed and emailed the project list to the entire group. Directing them to articulate tasks in writing brought clarity and accountability, increasing the group's chances of completing their plans.
Don't hope for the other person to start the conversation. People frequently think tasks get done "automagically," as if on their own and without articulating how. You can't bet on action following others' understanding of a situation, let alone what you think they ought to do. When my dance club considered charging membership dues, the leadership team's discomfort with discussing finances stalled the conversation. Thinking the problem would resolve itself wouldn't have been prudent. I had to stay on them so the group would work toward a conclusion. Resentment and anxiety grow the longer people procrastinate, so address unresolved issues promptly.
Find the courage to renegotiate. The techniques in this book enable people to speak up, no matter how difficult a situation. During my first week at a previous employer, I inherited many unresolved customer service issues. Though I didn't cause the problems, I still had to fix them. Using these conversations shifted the conflict to collaboration. Irate customers became more understanding and patient in giving me the opportunity to find a solution for them.
Ask instead of assume. Drama frequently stems from the stories people tell themselves about broken promises. Evaluating interpretations is better than letting inaccurate stories complicate relationships. If you're addressing a problem, the authors recommend apologizing, regardless of who is at fault. "I'm sorry this fell through. What can we each do to keep this from happening again?" Taking ownership of the situation negates the tendency to blame. Furthermore, learning the other side's perspective first keeps your biases in check. By getting curious about the other person's views and beliefs, you increase the chance of finding of a solution he will support. Empathy means taking the effort to understand the other side, even if you don't agree with his perspective.
The Four Conversations showed me how much more progress I could make as a communicator. Applying this book's concepts strengthened my relationships and my team's productivity. It was also a great Christmas present to friends who needed help bridging the gap between what they say and how others receive their messages. If you struggle with unmet expectations and unresolved conflict, reading this book is a great start.
