How to Build Better Relationships
In Humble Inquiry, Edgar Schein talks about using questions in a gentle way. Tactful asking simplifies the building of relationships, especially when identifying and resolving conflicts. Problems can come from anywhere, including cultural norms, miscommunication, and misunderstanding. A curious, empathetic approach establishes and maintains respect for everyone involved.
Takeaways:
Know my limits. I only have one perspective, which means I have blind spots like everyone else. No matter what story I tell myself about a situation, I have no guarantee it's accurate. Let's say I teach a dance lesson for charity, but the sponsors don't mention how to compensate me for my efforts. I want to feel indignant that they didn't address it on their own. Instead, I could accept that I don't know the reason behind their silence. Making the perceived offense a personal one risks the relationship, especially if I have no evidence. The best action is to ask them.
Check my feelings. A key component of humility is developing self-awareness. After I identify my limits, I have to ask myself what I am feeling. Then, I explore the reasons for those emotions. When I was young, I interpreted silence as being ignored, which in turn felt disrespectful. Now I see the real challenge, which is why I use this story to interpret this situation. This catches me from projecting previous experiences onto this situation.
Test my assumptions. In line with my feelings, I also have to connect the story to the assumptions I'm making about a situation. The perceived disrespect might be an extension of negative past dealings. This colors how I interpret their silence. Thinking they're negligent is appealing, despite a lack of evidence. Instead, they might be busy. The only way to know is to follow up.
If courage is lacking, use curiosity instead. Often, people dread confronting others. If I think their actions are disrespectful, that implies I need to confront them for trying to rip me off. Even if I'm right, this is an awkward approach. I needed to take a different angle. By asking for their take on things, the conversation becomes more productive. This avoids frustration and resentment caused by hurtful words and accusations.
This book breaks through the cultural standard I grew up with. I felt restrictions on doing anything that might undermine authority. Humble inquiry also helps me resolve conflict better. A kind approach spares you from antagonizing others. If you find yourself avoiding difficult conversations, this book will give you confidence and ideas on how to engage people better.
