The Top 5 Consequences Of Avoiding Relationship Conflict
Names have been changed for privacy reasons.
Frank and Jenny had a longstanding friendship. Frank moved to Jenny's town when they started their sophomore year of high school. They had more classes together. Turns out they lived in the same neighborhood. They had the same ideals and dreams, and they thought their friendship would last a lifetime.
Having attended different colleges, they still met up during the summers. Soon, they would be in the same city for graduate school. With more opportunities to hang out together, they looked forward to resuming their friendship.
During the first few months, Jenny noticed that Frank picked up some annoying habits. Frank would reply to Jenny's invitations to hang out with pleasant, vague responses. Jenny stayed hopeful after the first few, at one point buying a ticket for him to attend a basketball game. But Frank never showed up. When Jenny asked him about it later, he got defensive and insisted he never actually committed to go.
After getting burned a few more times, Jenny got sick of Frank's hedging. She grew up in a conflict-averse household, so she treated her frustration with Frank the same way. Jenny felt uncomfortable expressing her concerns. So she started ignoring Frank whenever he reached out to her. Frank was still unaware how his responses were damaging the friendship. So he kept trying to get Jenny's attention.
Annoyed by her stonewalling, he tried one final time to get a response by inviting her to his wedding. Jenny broke her silence to decline his invitation, but Frank gave up trying to reach out to her anymore. Worse, Frank had no idea Jenny was so upset with him. All he saw was Jenny growing more distant. He could guess why Jenny was staying away, but he had no way to discover the truth. He moved on, uncertain of what to conclude from Jenny’s aloofness.
What are the top five consequences of avoiding conflict? Here are the ones from Jenny's refusal to engage.
Resentment adds up. Resentment is like toilet bowl residue. The longer it accumulates, the harder it is to remove. This distracts you from other tasks you need to take care of. Jenny was too scared to say anything, but prolonging her silence made reconciliation harder. The more distance she created, the more reluctant she was to reach out.
The situation doesn't improve. Wishing a situation will improve on its own doesn't work. Until Jenny informs Frank about how he’s upsetting her, she shouldn't expect anything to happen. Even a discussion that goes nowhere is better than no discussion at all. Jenny can't rely on Frank to figure out why she's annoyed with him on his own.
People won't know any better. We all have bad habits we're unaware of. We wouldn't know about them unless other people point them out to us. Others might be dealing with the same behavior from Frank. But Jenny shouldn't rely on them to confront Frank on her behalf.
You lose the relationship anyway. What is the trajectory of your relationship if you never address what is bothering you? Can you afford to keep running from people whenever they're upset with you? How many jobs will you have to quit each time you disappoint your boss? If Jenny feels her friendship with Frank is worth keeping, the most helpful action she can do is ask for a clear "yes" or "no." She should reassure him that saying "no" to her invitation doesn't mean saying "no" to the friendship.
Regret sets in. Most people don't stew on mistakes they made. Rather, they agonize over what they didn't do. Jenny didn't want to risk the short-term tough conversation. She didn't realize that by doing so, she dropped the entire friendship. She didn't even give Frank a chance to respond to her feedback or redeem himself. The relationship might still end after Jenny airs her frustrations. But at least she provided honest feedback. Plus, Frank will have a clearer idea of how to improve from the loss instead of trying to figure it out himself.
How do we prevent each of these consequences?
Deal with broken expectations as soon as possible. No one would see a fire and say, "It's not urgent." But this is how many of us address conflict. The more we delay, the more effort you will need to fix it. The best time for Jenny to address Frank's habits is after his first vague response.
Think of the benefits of sorting out expectations. Jenny needs to imagine how much better she will feel around Frank after sharing. Also, she's not doing this only for her. She's doing this for Frank. This way, he doesn't alienate other friends with the same behavior.
Offer your feedback, but respect their choice in how to respond. Frank deflected when Jenny confronted him over the basketball tickets. So Jenny shouldn't expect Frank to be too receptive to what she has to say. Instead, she should frame her feedback as an offer he considers. She can also list the consequences of Frank's choices. If he's receptive to her recommendation, great. If he dismisses her thoughts, she can tell him how that hurts the relationship.
Identify the reasons for retaining the relationship in question. The stakes will determine Jenny's approach. Conflicts with your boss or spouse are ones you can't afford to ignore. In this case, Jenny's friendship had sentimental value for her. Acknowledging what made this friendship worth keeping inspires Jenny to restore it. Then she can draft a plan to reconcile.
Trust in the other person. Jenny projected her fear of tough feedback on Frank. She thought Frank would avoid difficult news the same way she would. Giving her opinions with compassion would ease her hesitation. This means giving him feedback shows she is looking out for him, not insulting him. She has to believe that Frank would be willing to do his part to get their friendship back on track. And if he doesn't? At least they know why the friendship can't go on.
Do you have a situation like Jenny's and need some help? Let me know - I'm only one click away.
