What To Do When Someone Is Avoiding A Difficult Conversation With You
Names changed for privacy reasons.
Jane was a member of Shawn's church class. She was sweet, soft-spoken, and hated public speaking. Even though she kept a low profile, she enjoyed helping the class service team. When Ryan, the service coordinator, was ready to step down, he recruited Jane to take his place. After much persuading, Jane agreed to take over for Ryan. Despite having committed to the position, she wasn't showing up to meetings. Nor was she responding to Shawn's emails asking where she was. Her silence frustrated Shawn. In Shawn's eyes, having no explanation made the failed expectations worse. After several attempts, Jane responded to Shawn's invitation to meet. Jane explained how graduate school occupied most of her time. But she was afraid of saying "no" to Ryan, so she agreed to help despite her limited availability. With Shawn's understanding, she agreed to resign.
Pause for a moment and ask yourself: how would you have handled this?
Here are some tips to engage with someone who's avoiding you.
Process your feelings. Broken promises hurt, no matter how small the stakes are. Disregarding the pain of the situation and any anger you have doesn't help. Ask yourself what you're feeling and why. This lets you evaluate your own perspective. You will also recognize its limitations. Shawn felt disrespect and disappointment. Acknowledging these emotions made him notice how hurt he felt by her actions. Shawn should also ask himself why Jane is acting this way. She doesn't want to see him upset, even if she's the reason he's upset.
Prevent a way out. Efforts to reach people by text, email, or phone are easy to ignore. Get creative in finding a way to meet them in person so they can't run away. That said, don't corner them, either. All you're looking to do is to make sure they have to engage. With Jane, Shawn had to figure out the best chance to see her, which was at church. Even if they didn't talk right then, at least she committed to a conversation.
Remove your ego. Interpreting her actions as a personal offense doesn't help the situation. As one of my friends likes to say: "It's not about who's right, but what's right." By giving Jane the benefit of the doubt, Shawn stopped seeing her as an enemy. Rather, he remembered Jane was on the same side, serving the class. Instead of focusing on the wrong she did to him, he prioritized finding resolution with her.
Be gentle. Shawn sensed that Jane was afraid of any potential anger he had toward her. Anticipating this, he needed her to understand two things about the conversation: 1. the purpose of the meeting was to find solutions, not reprimand, and 2. the worst response was no response. Shawn's efforts allowed Jane to relax, knowing he wasn't about to berate her for not coming through.
Reset expectations. Let the other person start first. Jane explained her circumstances and reasons in full. Only then could Shawn let her know what he needed from her to help him most. The best action for her was to admit she took on more than she could handle, then share why she would have to step down. Shawn also wanted to show her that uncertainty doesn't help him. Informing him she would step down after her original agreement would disappoint him. Agreeing to step up because she's afraid to say no, then disappearing from her post, would be worse.
Shawn struggled to trust Jane after this incident. He hoped that, going forward, she would be more willing to say "no" at the start. Doing so would have prevented long term damage to their relationship. Shawn also realized he would rather have a clear "no" than a reluctant "yes" from anyone he recruited for his team.
If you work with someone like Jane, I hope these tips increase your chances of closure.
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