Your Advice Isn’t Helping
In The Advice Trap, Stanier discusses the human desire to give advice. While our intentions are good, the advice doesn't have the impact we want it to. Building on his previous book, The Coaching Habit, Michael recommends staying curious longer. Doing so gets you past the perceived initial challenge. The immediate problem doesn't tend to be the main one. Asking questions allows you to uncover the real challenge. The same goes for generating solutions. If you are always telling people what ideas to try, they aren't coming up with any of their own. For the record, Stanier doesn't say to never give advice. He wants you to be selective in the moments you do so. The rest of the book provides steps on how to break the habit of advice-giving and ways to avoid regressing.
Takeaways:
1. You don't have to be the most valuable player. Some people like the attention that comes with having all the answers. For me, I wanted validation from feeling like an effective contributor, both in volunteer and paid work. This led to exhaustion when others kept asking for my help, even after hours. By asking more questions, others began problem solving on their own. Their increased capability freed me to focus on to bigger projects. Getting credit wasn't my priority. The main goal is getting the job done without burning out.
2. Give people the chance to grow. I've met leaders who complain about feeling like no one else on their team pulls as much weight as they do. But what if the leaders aren't letting them? The need for productivity lead to impatience with urgent, complex tasks. Developing others feels like delaying the immediate, but the investment pays off in the long run. The leader has to create space to equip teammates or be opportunistic in doing so. Questions allow people to analyze, reflect, and process in a way telling them never will. At work, teammates recognize the need to step up so our lead technician can spend time training our newest employee. In a way, everyone gets stronger during this process.
3. Focus on what you're becoming. Though I have improved at resolving conflict, I still have times I want to avoid it. Giving advice presents a similar challenge. As a coach, I know giving advice is not the best way to help clients. The desire to rush in and rescue remains an ongoing struggle. To combat both of these, I have to keep in mind being a curious, inquisitive person. Whenever someone asks me for my thoughts, I can pause and ask myself: "What question could I ask right now?" Another moment involved a church friend who was complaining about drama in our class. Instead of presenting facts for her to consider, I asked her, “What’s the solution?”
I read this book in a day. Stanier provides simple, stepwise instructions on how to give less advice. Both his books also serve as a hub for other useful information and resources. If you find yourself exhausted from always telling others what to do, read this book. The benefits you reap will multiply the more you apply its concepts.
