Lesson 2: Failure Is A Friend, Not A Foe
Ryan remembers the sinking feeling in his stomach every time he brought home a less-than-stellar grade from school. As he handed over each poor exam result to his parents, he could predict their disappointed expressions and the ensuing lecture about the importance of good grades. His parents’ actions meant well. But their approach also instilled in Ryan a deep-seeded fear of failure. His dad had a knack for poring over Ryan’s mistakes one by one. Time seemed to slow down, intensifying the perception of disappointment as his dad identified the error in each missed question. Ryan felt scrutinized, more concerned with avoiding criticism than learning lessons. His dad’s audits felt like dental visits – helpful, yes. But pain and shame overshadowed any benefit.
After enough of these moments, Ryan concluded that failure equated to incompetence. Each mistake he made reinforced this belief. This fueled self-condemnation and a reluctance to improve shortcomings. Instead of studying failures to figure out how to solve and prevent recurring problems, Ryan sought to avoid them at all costs. He struggled to view errors as anything other than badges of dishonor. In a strange twist, Ryan’s parents motivated him to achieve. But that only worked if success came quickly or easily. Any skill set that required a longer timeframe caused his parents to doubt and worry. A lack of early returns when dealing with a challenge led to the conclusion that Ryan wasn’t a natural at something. This occurred despite plenty of evidence to the contrary. For instance, Ryan’s parents signed him up for music and language lessons. These took years to gain baseline competence. For whatever reason, academics and leadership skills had a shorter leash. A bad grade automatically meant Ryan was lacking skill, effort, or both.
Later in life, Ryan had to reevaluate how he handled failure. Through introspection and a shift in mindset with the help of a coach, Ryan removed his belief in failure as an indication of a lack of abilities, but rather a natural part of the learning process. Here are three insights that helped Ryan stop avoiding failure and seeking lessons from it instead.
1. Focus on the Learning, Not the Pain
Contrary to what some might say, failure is not the opposite of success. It is a prerequisite for it. Each setback presents feedback on what adjustments to make, allowing us to gain insights that we wouldn't otherwise obtain. Ryan might still wince whenever his efforts get subpar results. But now he realizes he can give himself a little time to process and move past the feeling, not letting the pain interfere with the learning process. Instead of viewing failure as a roadblock, Ryan now approaches it with curiosity and a willingness to understand what went wrong. By dissecting the root causes of failures, Ryan has identified areas for improvement and developed new approaches to increase his chance of success. By asking, “What did I learn?” or “What about this makes me curious?” Ryan moved through the disappointment to gain insights and productive action.
2. Shift Your Narrative Around Failure
The stories we tell ourselves about failure shape our perception of it. If we view failure as a sign of shame and inadequacy, we tend to stay in our comfort zones and avoid taking risks. However, by redefining the definition of failure as a natural and necessary part of the journey towards success, we can liberate ourselves from the fear of falling short.
For Ryan, changing the narrative around failure meant letting go of the belief that his achievements defined his worth. Instead of relying on external validation to define his self-worth, Ryan began to recognize his inherent worthiness. Embracing failure as a catalyst for growth rather than a reflection of inabilities has allowed Ryan to approach challenges with more resilience and optimism. He used questions like, “What’s helpful here?” and “What surprised me?” to help him figure out the useful parts of an evaluated experience.
3. Cultivate a Growth Mindset
At the heart of embracing failure lies the concept of a growth mindset. Unlike a fixed mindset, which views abilities as innate and unchangeable, a growth mindset thrives on challenges and sees failure as a resource. By developing a growth mindset, Ryan has unlocked his full potential and embraced the journey of continuous improvement and development.
In Ryan's journey, adopting a growth mindset helped him overcome obstacles and achieve goals he wouldn’t have otherwise. Instead of giving up after an initial failure, Ryan sees it as a temporary setback, not permanent defeat. He also sees the chance to get creative. Because Ryan has learned to look for the lessons in challenges, Ryan approaches them with perseverance and resilience. He uses statements like “It’s early” to encourage himself, and he understands that he can always change his approach or generate new ideas. And he knows he can always ask someone he trusts to assist him if needed. The question he asks himself is: “What else can I try before asking for help?”
In conclusion, overcoming failure doesn’t mean removing it from our lives altogether. Rather, failure immunity is about harnessing its transformative power and disassociating it from self-condemning shame. By rewriting his internal story about failure and embracing it as an essential part of learning, Ryan could finally relax, feeling more confident in how he navigates current and future challenges. So, let us not shy away from failure. It’s not IN the way of success. It IS the way to success.
If you're ready to embark on your own journey from self-condemnation to self-assurance, I invite you to schedule a call with me. Together, we can explore how you can cultivate a resilient mindset, navigate challenges with confidence, and never fear failure again. The only true failure is to live a life avoiding it. How will you grow today?
